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I cannot cry
2003-06-04 :: 8:51 p.m. I have this inability of allowing tears to fall from my eyes. Even when I feel the excruciatingly melancholic, I cannot cry. I thought I would shed some drops today because I was feeling fairly down, but nothing came out. It is so weird how I am able to bottle everything up the way that I do. I know that normal humans cry, so why cannot I? I have never allowed myself to let out the pain and grieve over my losses. Very strange, indeed. And it is not that I do not want to cry because I definitely do. I just seem completely unable. I occasionally have a mad cry of fury, but never anything that seems lamentable. I guess it is in my nature, though, like my ineptitude in terms of affection. I cannot hug people without tensing up and withdrawing quickly and I have never had a "real" kiss before. Tis very pathetic indeed. Someday, though... *sigh* The reason I wanted to shed buckets today was the admitting to myself that I want to give up with recovery. I am tired of this unfluctuating battle raging about in my mind. The demons are forever there and refuse to diffuse. I feel tolerably au fait now that the night is upon me. I have a minute speck of hope for the future, but in the back of my mind thoughts, such as this, continue. --- When walking home for lunch today, I received a wonderful reaction from my next-door neighbour when I mentioned that I hope to be a writer. She seemed overjoyed and almost tearful. It was quite the surprising reaction, actually. To begin with it was odd that she was having a lengthy discussion with me since she and her husband seem to dislike my mom and step father (I think it's mutual on my parent's side as well). I am glad to know she still likes me because we used to be good friends. It was nice to catch up with her, anyways. I lent her my copy of The Life of Pi by Yann Martel. I told her to read it immediately. It is so nice to have someone actually interested in decent literature. My mom reads a lot, but it is all mystery novels and the like. I do like a scintillating mystery every now and then, but I also enjoy heavy duty classics. My mom feels that "all classics are crap." She is completely unwilling to even try reading them. I guess it is her choice, though. I just wish she was not so judgmental of things she has never even tried. This morning Lisa and I had a surprisingly good run. I managed to get her motivated up to four minutes running and a minute walking (she is still somewhat behind me in stamina, but she is really improving muchly). I think by the end of the month I will have her running solid. ;) I like this feeling of being a personal trainer.
Today's Affirmation: I am becoming my own best friend.
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