I feel like this enormous beast for the past week or so. I am this massive amount of flab wading around the earth. It is driving me absolutely insane! I guess I am just not sure what to make of it. I cannot find a balance; I cannot seem to accept my body and like it the way it is. It is just not happening.

Many people probably think I am being stupid and that I should just get over myself and I am trying to do that, but it's not working. I have been working for over a year now to recover from my eating disorder and no matter how hard I try, it just keeps coming back to nick me in the butt. I just don't know how to explain to someone who hasn't had an e.d. how it feels. You cannot possibly imagine the hell that goes on in my mind unless you have experienced some of it yourself.

I want to rip and cut off portions of my flesh and throw them away to a place where sins go. I see all the imperfections on my body as the imperfections in my life. I see my problems all over my body. It doesn't really make logical sense in my mind that this is what is happening, but it is. I am taking everything that is bothering me in the outside world and focusing on the one thing I know how to obsess over: my body. I will destroy my body in an attempt to disengage from the world that is constantly engulfing me, day in and day out.