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Kill me with your plasticity
2003-04-11 :: 9:54 a.m. I wrote this yesterday when I was in Literature class. I was pretty bummed after the second half of my midterm. Let�s just say that the essay portion of the midterm did not go so well. I felt like my head was disconnected from my body and that there was no possible way or retrieving it from high up above. I eventually gave up and handed in what I had done. It was probably really stupid on my part to just give up like that, but at the time it seemed like the best thing to do. I did write something on the paper, though, so I guess that is something. On the other hand, I did extremely well on my Sight Passage portion of the midterm so it balances out. I still managed to barely scrape by with a pass on the midterm overall. That is better than last semester so I am quite proud of myself. I did my best and it payed off. :) --- It all seems like the idea of the pearl in Hamlet that my English teacher likes so much. The pearl is mildewed, badness covered up with layers and layers of shiny beauty. The pearl is an attempt to cover the detrimental with something precious and pleasing that everyone is able to enjoy. Only the pearl knows what lies beneath. I plaster a smile upon my face and I display a happy disposition, but underneath this layer of jollity lies a sadness that reaches the deepest portions of who I am. There is enough fake happy to cover up what melancholic aspects which lie underneath. This is an ability to mask the morose with a plastic, counterfeit happiness that seems to make those around me content. If the others around me are pleased then that is all that matters, right? Striving to instill happiness in others is what it all comes down to. A constant demand to please those around me. Screw what matters to me and my own actual beatitude because it honest to God does not matter, right? As long as they are happy and everything is going their way, that is all that matters, right? La dee fucking dah! Kill me with your plasticity. It�s okay for you to hurt me, in fact I want you to. Why not, eh? Bringing down someone else makes you feel high and mighty, so then all is well, right?
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