let's just say i had a bad eating disorder night yesterday and i will not go on further with the gory details. they are not pretty, i must admit, and i have felt like total and utter shit since this happening.

i am now completely fucked for exams. not to mention that fact that i am extremely blue as well.

this afternoon, as i lay stomach/face down on my bed, i closed my teary eyes and dreamt about my death. my suicidal death to be precise. i thought about how people would take it and the assumptions that would be made afterwards. no one would know why i chose to waste my life because i had bled to death before actually getting the suicide note written. it was a quite pathetic daydream, actually.

i cannot believe that this is what i was doing with my spare time. all i know, though, is that i was crying all afternoon and feeling nothing but hopelessness. yet another thing i have gone and fucked up in my life. i just do not give a shit anymore.

i am raising my hands yet again to this fight. i am so tired of battling these demons. they are much, much stronger than me and continue to smother me time and time again. i am losing sense of what is real and i am losing sense of what is good. i just want out of this inferno, back into the light which i occasionally manage to touch base with but never seem to stick to for very long.

i cut for the first time in eons this afternoon, and it felt strangely pleasureable. i cannot take these mixed feelings. they are causing me to lose sanity.

the only way i have somewhat stayed in reality was by sitting here creating this layout. i like it. alanis will be back at some point though. this was just to focus my energy in a fairly manageable direction for a while. i quite like apples and this is to pay homage to them. very crunchy indeed.