but the further i get in with my recovery from my eating disorder, the more i realize that i am changing and being reborn. i am becoming the person i always wanted to be.

i am better able to love other people because for once in my life i am starting to love myself. i still am not able to say that i 100% love myself but i know with each passing moment that i am getting closer and closer to being able to.

in some ways it scares me that i do not have my eating disorder to blame everything on anymore... i have to learn how to deal with the shit that is bothering me head on. i cannot run anymore and obsess over food to ignore what is truly bothering me.

but in other ways i know that it is a really good thing that i am losing the one thing that gave me comfort for so many years. i am starting to do the things with my life that i have always wanted to do. i am also better able to perceive and enjoy the things around me. i no longer spend every waking moment trying to avoid food and exercising endlessly.

sure i still want to watch what i am eating to make sure i am getting in healthy stuff with the bit of enjoyable junk but i know that if i have one day that i just ate junk that it is okay. obviously my body thought i needed it or it just felt right at the time. i may gain a couple pounds from it but so what? does that make me less of who i am? the weight does not change what is in the inside. and what is in the inside is what counts.

i want to be able to say i enjoy eating and that every little thing that goes in my mouth does not make me break out in hives.

i also want to be able to do the exercise that i enjoy and not worry about how many calories i am burning per hour.

this cultural obsession with numbers is total and utter craziness. it is crazy how we determine our worth by silly numbers. numbers that really do not mean anything. how can they? they are just numbers.

and yet they still bother people endlessly. whether it be a weight, bra size, income, grade, measurement, or whatever, it bothers people. it is such a shame that this is what is happening because it causes people to abandon who they are. they lose sight of the important things and focus all of their energy on these numbers. they are just numbers.

i am guilty of this like almost every other person on this planet, though. and until we are able to overcome this obsession, this thing that keeps holding us back, we cannot grow. we can grow once we are able to see that numbers are just stupid things that do not mean anything and that the world is full of beauty, experiences, and love just waiting for us to come and lap up.

i wait for the day when i can say that i have shed my numbers because frankly, they are getting a little too heavy to drag around with me everywhere.