eating has always been a chore for me. i always feel shitty about it and never want to do it. it never was something i could say i enjoyed doing. i always ate too much or too little. there never really has been a balance for me.

if there has been anything i have been seeking in the recovering from my eating disorder, it's that i want to enjoy eating again. i don't want it to be a painful task which leaves me feeling overall shitty. i want to be able to eat enough to feel satisfied but not guilty. you know, like a fairly normal person...

today i noticed that i felt like eating was enjoyable. i haven't felt it in quite some time but today i definitely did. i stopped eating when i knew i was full. or at least i am pretty sure i did. i also ate when i knew i was hungry. it was great if you ask me. an overall pleasant experience.

i don't think i have had a good eating day in over 5 years. or at least a day when i felt good about what i had eaten and how i handled given situations. this is a good sign.

maybe my recovery process isn't as bad as i thought it was. maybe i am closer to being normal/average.

i never wanted to be average but now i do. at least in the eating sense. i still want to be more than average in terms of some of my abilities but i know it is okay to be average body size wise and eating habit wise.

oh my lord, i think i may have learned something in therapy. never thought it did me any good but i think it might actually be helping. haha.

well, i just gotta take this one day at a time and see what happens, right?