I know I wish to be better and a happy, full of life person, but I cannot seem to reach any sort of peace lately. I feel like absolute shit and my e.d. has surfaced through my last week of stress, in an extreme manner.

I guess to make matters worse, I just had to get a cold and I think my monthly friend is just about to arrive. Oh, and how could I forget the constipation from eating too much protein? I thought my gut was going to explode last night; I was in the most pain I have been in in a while. Of course I know I need to drink lots of fluids because I am sick, but I just can't seem to make myself drink them.

This entry sucks the monkey�s ass, but all I know is that I feel like I am losing again. Losing this battle.

Oh yeah, and I am drinking coffee from yesterday night that went cold while I was at the musical and brought home anyhow. I heated it up in the microwave. I think I have a problem. I drink way, way too much coffee. I won't even throw out a cup of old coffee, that is how precious it is to me. All I can say is thank goodness I can't taste anything or this would probably be very unpleasant.

I wrote the below a little while ago in my miscellaneous thoughts book and I thought I would add it because it belongs somewhere.

I can feel the sadness rising in my heart. It is swelling far beyond normal proportions, by the average standard. This isn't normal sorrow; it's not like the feeling of disappointment one gets when a favourite team loses even after your desperate cries for the players to "hustle" and "move, move, move!" No, this is more of a sadness that one is born with or given somewhere along the path of life. It stains the soul and is like grape juice on a favourite white shirt. It is embedded in the fabric, leeching every fibre with an unrelenting passion. It sucks out all that is left of purity.