When I hear her make comments like �Oh, I can�t eat that piece of banana cake because I had a piece yesterday� or �I don�t want to eat anything close to bedtime,� it sends off alarm bells in my head. When she starts obsessing, I always judge myself and worry about my own habits. Having someone else around who is worried about how fat they are and what they are eating only helps to fuel my eating disorder.

The last thing I need right now is for my eating disorder to come back with vengeance. I know it wouldn�t be my mother�s fault if I started having problems again, but the things she says and the way she acts most definitely affects my own thoughts. I guess it is silly since I should be able to ignore what she says, but when she is nattering on about it incessantly, it starts to wear off on me.

My mom was heavy, then she went to weight watchers, started exercising religiously, kept getting thinner, then found me with heightening e.d. problems. She let her obsession go slightly when I was in the early stages of recovery, but they have always been present underneath the surface. There were always slight indications of her own self-loathing that floated upwards occasionally.

I guess because she gained a little bit of weight (which looks good on her, she is by no means fat) she thinks she needs to lose it. Now that I am better, she can go back to obsessing again. This angers me immensely. She was so happy when I was starting to get happy and now she is back to panicking over petty things again. It is sheer ridiculousness!

Her own self-hatred has always fuelled my self-hatred. I remember when I was at the starting stages of my eating disorder (this was when I started to lose a fair amount of weight and was feeling okay about myself); she was losing weight and working out. Her constant talks of how much weight she was losing, what she was eating, and how many exercises she was doing made me enraged. People were commenting left, right, front, and centre about how great she looked. I felt good for her that she lost weight and was feeling better about herself, but I also felt competition. Suddenly I felt my self-worth go down a zillion notches down and I began to dwell, obsess, and panic. I know it is not her fault, but the signals and comments she was sending out drove me over the cliff straight into the deep pits of hell.

When we were watching �My Big Fat Greek Wedding� this evening (which was absolutely fantastic and heart-warming by the way), she made a comment of how she wanted �a whole pan of brownies right now.� But then she said she �would feel horrible� so she couldn�t have them (I think this whole discussion started on my commenting on how good these 2 chocolate cookies I had were). I told her that she shouldn�t be bothered about crap like that and she shut up. I wish she would keep thoughts like that to herself. I don�t think she realizes how much they affect my own thought patterns. The words don�t really bother my step dad or my brother, but I know they bother me because I have felt things like that myself and am starting to realize how stupid and trivial they are.

I guess I see everything in a much different light now. My views on myself and how I feel about myself are getting better and I am starting to realize that if eating a cookie a day makes me happy, then it�s a good thing. I exercise and I eat healthy as well, so I�m going to have my damn cookie. I just wish my mother could get some thoughts like that into her head.

I think if she keeps on going on like this, I am going to tell her to shove it up her ass and keep quiet. If she wants to beat herself up, she should do it elsewhere or at least leave me out of it. I don�t need that negative shit in my head. I know that is mean to say, but it is driving me insane! I don�t want to fall apart again because I am happy and I think I may actually be starting to like my body and the person I am. My mom needs therapy or something. She needs to learn to accept her body. It�s just a vessel for her soul and nothing else. It�s to help her to experience all the things she wants to experience in her life. Fuck the materialistic shit that means nothing. You�ll turn in your grave if you die and realize you wasted your whole life worrying about inconsequential matters that really hold no significance. A whole life obsessing over goddamn numbers. Numbers mean nothing. They are just numbers. They hold no ground.