Irritating people is fun if you ask me. Not in a manner that degrades them, but usually me doing something demented that seems to piss them off. You�d think me making an ass of myself wouldn�t bother other people, but it seems to. I find that quite humourous.

I think I got on the thong tangent by talking about my jiggly bum that I discovered on the weekend. I have no shame; I talk about everything to almost everybody. Well not everything, but definitely some of the things that are humourous about myself. I am always looking for a laugh, constantly. I figure if I can make people laugh at my own disposal that I have had a gratifying day. A day that involves me making fun of myself and getting a laugh is a good day. Kind of sad in a way, but I do love it. I love laughing at myself and having others laugh at me. No clue as to why, but it has just been something that I do, day in and day out.

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I have realized the reason as to why I was so easily able to not hand things in last semester. I was able to detach myself from the reality of my situation, I believe. Before there would always be sheer dread or panic if I didn�t have something done to hand in. This would cause me to choose to do the crap and get it handed in. I would frequently pull all nights to get things done that I had left to the last minute or just didn�t have enough time to get done.

Somewhere there was a transition zone, or grey area, that slowly progressed into my complete lack of caring. The fear/anxiety of not handing something in eventually completely subsided and I was left emotionless to my own failure. It no longer mattered whether I got the work completed or not. I was with a lack of emotion towards it. It became extremely easy to just let things slide.

It is this fear/anxiety that I need to build up again. That which I had in Grade 10 and the first semester of Grade 11. If I can get this back, I could quite possibly be able to pass and get fairly good marks in my classes.

So I am now seeking anxiety and fear. I never thought I would see myself say that.

I guess my problem could also be that I am a perfectionist and refuse to hand in anything that isn�t exactly 100% perfect. It is silly, but sometimes I would rather get 0 than a 60%. Trying to get over this mindset because it is really holding me back.