I very rarely remember dreams that I have. I actually, in the past, have come to the conclusion that I just do not dream. I occasionally would have a nightmare, but never a dream. Or maybe my brain just will not retain them when I wake up. Who knows? Anyways, that is really not important.

Last night I had a really strange dream and it got me to thinking a lot today. In fact I spent the whole day thinking about the hell that I have been through in the past 5 or so years.

I dreamed that my Mom went with me to my therapy session and sat chatting with my therapist while I laid on her couch doodling on a piece of paper in my binder. When they were done talking my Mom left and then my therapist told me that her work was done and that I wouldn't be coming back ever again.

I was heart broken... I gave her a huge hug and thanked her for everything. I remember that in the dream we had been interrupted once by one of her other patients who needed to book an appointment and after I had left I had to go back in because I left my bag in her office (How this fits in with anything I am trying to put forth, I am not sure, but I thought I would include it anyway...).

I remember that I was really pissed off because my mother was there so that was why I was laying on the couch. It was my way of sulking or something.

The prospect of losing my sessions with my therapist scares the hell out of me. I know it sounds silly, but it's true. I have wanted to stop seeing her many times in the past but this is different.

It also made me think again about who I am without my eating disorder. One time my stepfather asked me if it was okay for me to just be okay. I thought a lot about that today. Is it that I am afraid to be okay or that I am afraid to lose the eating disorder? What am I without it? I think I am slowly discovering this day by day but it is still a scary thought because I haven�t been me for basically my whole life. I was consumed by my eating disorder for all of high school. High school is the time when we become who we are. I guess this is partially why I am not ready to leave high school yet. I am staying another year to try and figure out who I am. That may be part of the reason that I let myself fail courses first semester of this year. I need to stay in high school longer. I am not ready to move on yet. I am not ready to grow up. I still need to do some things before I leave. Like discover my inner self.

Later, when I was reading a few diaries of people currently extremely affected by eating disorders, I started to wonder how I could have even let myself get so bad. I am remembering past experiences; certain really bad days and it scares me. It scares me that I could actually abandon myself like that. Abandon who I was and become an e.d. monster. And yet part of me still yearns for the days when I was fully obsessed in a cycle of self-deprecation.

I do know that lately I can look at myself in the mirror and say: �I am okay. I am not a worthless piece of shit. Sure I don�t weigh 88 lbs anymore, but I am okay. I like who I am becoming.�

I cried this afternoon, I cried a lot. I know I cried because I am happy. I wasn�t crying because I was sad. I haven�t cried because I was happy in a long time. I haven�t felt this happy in a long time. It feels so good but very weird. I just hope this period of happiness that I am experiencing will stay. It has lasted a while and I didn�t have a dreadful time this weekend or the last so, I think I may be moving even farther further with my recovery. I am so proud of myself for where I have come. I am so happy and thankful for the people who have helped me on my way. They mean the world to me and I am forever grateful.

This morning, when I looked in the mirror and shook my ass (please don�t ask why I did this, I still do not fully understand myself...), I noticed it has become a little flabby since I haven�t been doing squats all the time. I actually laughed and showed my mother (It actually has been an ongoing joke all day... I am shaking my jiggly puff bum for everyone!). Before I would have gone ballistic at the sight of my jiggly ass, but now I know it�s not the end of the world.

So what if my ass jiggles a bit and is somewhat flabby? It really doesn�t make a difference in the larger scheme of things. I can still laugh with my friends if my ass is jiggly. I can still do my schoolwork if my ass is jiggly. I can ride my bike, run, play, jump, laugh, and be happy if my ass is jiggly. My ass being jiggly does not prevent me from doing the things that I want to do with my life.

People will still love me if my ass is jiggly. I really do not think they care whether I have a flabby rump or not; they like me because of my personality and the unique individual that I am. And if they stop liking me because my ass is squishy, then they are superficial people that I do not need in my life. They can go back to their fluffy Barbie worlds and leave me alone in jiggle jungle city.

Thank God for my jiggly ass because damn, it is beautiful!