yeah, so i'm signed up and all ready to go with 10 mg prozac daily. not much, thank god, so there shouldn't be any rash side effects. i am a little worried since it could cause severe drowsiness and nausea. guess we'll see how goes for now, though.

doctor's appointment was quite interesting, actually. i wish i had been a little more attune though, because i missed a fair amount of the good points/theories he chucked my way.

one of the most important, that i did get, was that i have been working at recovering for a little under a year now and no matter how hard i try, i am unable to find happiness. so to find happiness, i must seek a new direction.

i believe the analogy he used was that i am trying to get to the other side of the fence without having the option of climbing over it. before i would just turn around and come back, but now i must find another path. the one i suggested was get a hack-saw but he hinted going around it. i like the more destructive personally, but that really does not matter.

what i am going to do now is try another way with my recovery. all i have ever wanted was to be insouciant. i must keep trying other methods until i find the way.

we also talked about how since i expend all of my energy on keeping my calorie intake at under 2100 and exercising in somewhat freakish amounts, i do not have the time to put into things i love. i am much too drained from worrying about if i burned enough calories to stay a stable weight or not. although i am eating well, i am still carefully watching my intake and weight (the latter is surprisingly less of an irritation for me). until i am ready to let go of this extra baggage, things will not get much better. sure i have days when i am extremely happy but then i have my lows as well.

too much thinking. my heads hurts. must get some sleep.

p.s. i wrote my name on my english exam and nothing else. i have never felt like more of a nincompoop than i did today.