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Light-headedness
2003-07-27 :: 12:22 a.m. I have been feeling extremely light headed today. It is like every few minutes or so my head steps up into the clouds for half a second or so. It has been getting progressively worse throughout the day and is starting to cause panic in my mind. I have never felt anything like this before and I am not sure as to whether I like it or not. Sure I get the occasional mental disorientation when I smoke a cigarette and have not had one in a while (yeah, when I get really stressed I will have a cigarette, but I am not dependent on them. They are just another one of my methods of distracting myself from the issues at hand), but it has never been anything like this. After wondering if it all the windex I had inhaled in the 9.5 hour time-span at work was the cause of it, I of course had an idiotic thought process in my mind involving death from a brain tumour. This is quickly preceding by anxiety in my mind at the possibility of dieing this fat (today I have eaten a lot and am therefore excruciatingly bloated, but have made a promise to myself that there will be no purging, as I am attempting to put that behind me). I cannot believe that worries about dieing fat were the first thing that popped into mind instead of all that I would be leaving behind and the life I would miss out on. And yet more evidence to how fucked up my brain is from this e.d. I guess the quick jump to the thought of death may have had something to do with the fact that my mother and I were watching about 3 hours of A&E Criminal Justice type shows, but I have always had these sort of thought processes in my mind. I am constantly thinking up crazed scenarios in my head involving my death from some sort of disease or freak accident. I always like to think and make up how certain individuals in my life would react to my death. Absurd, eh? I actually kinda like the time before I fall asleep at night when I think about death (including suicide and the like). For some reason it is comforting and helps me fall asleep. I guess my own death is always underlying in my thoughts because some days I am slightly suicidal (okay, in the past couple months I have almost thought about my own death at least once a day, if not more). The comfort factor must come from the hope for the removal of constant pain when I die (pain towards myself and the pain I also inflict on others in my life). I also will no longer have to worry about the stresses of life and the Hell in which I reside most of the time. Other death fantasies/dreams that I conjure upstairs include those which are in terms of what would happen if suddenly everyone in my family was murdered or died in a car accident or some other demise. I like to ponder on how I would take it and unfold the events. The only real reason that I can think of for fantasizing about the death of my family members is that I just want them out of my face. Lord, what a jumbled entry. Time to rest. Thank God I am not working tomorrow.
P.S. I am in love with PhotoImpact (too bad the trial is only a month and I will not have the money to purchase the actual software).
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